Saturday, November 12, 2011

Just a reprieve is all I ask

My plan was perfect, fail-proof in its entirety
All I had to do was keep it all to me
But I decided to stand up, be strong and do what's right
And here I am again, in an everlasting fight
The battle is progressing, arduous and non-stop
I need to catch my breath or else I'm going to drop
The ship is going down; I'm watching the sails droop
I know I'm sinking with it; there's too much to recoup

September twenty-fourth, two thousand eight
I took it for us both, carrying all the weight
I had to stuff it down so that I could move along
As I knew there was no way to ever right the wrong
You backed me into a corner; you took away my choice
You continued to retaliate even as I stifled my voice
Two wrongs don't make a right, so I kept my mouth shut
Restrained and controlled, I held my head high and strut
Inside I was screaming, still to this day
You'll never know of the pain to have it taken away
But that's not your problem; you never took it on
You created the mess and then you were gone

Then came the diagnoses, tumor and surgery
I faced it all head on, with unrelenting audacity
Always be strong, for Jesus is there
We are not to fear; He will ensure and take care
Numbers jumbled up inside of my confused mind
My personality still taking years and years to find

Then it's back to work - seizures return full force
No one seemed willing to help; there was no one to endorse
Accomodations were meager, to my doctors, at least
As my health declined, the work pressure increased
The urgency shifted from my healing brain to exceeding goals
The seizures, an inconvenience to the company as a whole
I became expendable, a number, not a life
A liability at best; a medically messy rife
They did help at first, and then stopped trying
I was reprimanded for working while crying
I pushed even harder, my brain begging me to slow down
I kept on smiling even when feeling myself drown

My life now is survival; no enjoyment, no fun
Working through the agony, I never see the sun
I know that it's there, but that doesn't matter to me
It's all about the numbers, stats and anything to be
The over-achiever that I was before the surgery

I'm back in that same corner now; strangulated voice
Stricken with terror, self loathing and utter lack of choice
I stood on the rug as it was ripped out from underneath
Nightmares haunt me in my sleep; monsters with gnashing teeth
I awake in tears, seizures, sweats, trauma abound
Praying for a reprieve yet to be found

4 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Replies
    1. Thank you, Joe. I was really struggling when I wrote this, and I honestly didn't think I would survive. And yet, here I am! You're one of those people that I know has battled demons of your own, and you give me hope.

      Delete